But that's no way to bow out, so bearing in mind that we're now just 30 days away from December 27th, the first opportunity you'll get to exchange those woefully inappropriate Christmas gifts, I've been casting my eye about for presents for the crime lovers in your life.
Just in case they already have enough books and booze...
At The Movies has a fabulous selection of original and reproduction posters which range from 'oh my god how much!?' to actually pretty reasonable. Lots of choice for crime fans and they have a framing service.
Price - £150 +
Available from At the Movies
I can't promise you won't get arrested for carrying this fabulous iPhone case - if you do get stopped just put on a superior air and a posh accent and tell them it's by Marc Jacobs. (Calling the copper a 'pleb' is optional.)
Price - £50
Available from Liberty of London
Does anyone use salt and pepper shakers anymore? I don't know. But if they do then these silver plated shotgun cartridge ones are really kind of nifty. Suitable for hunting/shooting types and your armed robber cousin alike.
Available from Not on the High Street
It's Boxing Day afternoon, you've been drunk for 72 hours straight and you're too stuffed to move, but you're probably fantasising about murdering your in-laws about now. This is the perfect soundtrack.
Price - £3.49 CD/£5.99 download
Available from Amazon
Available from Village Hatshop
That one person who hates e-readers. And hates people who dog-ear pages. They probably kind of hate everything, right? They'll probably hate this book mark too but you've got to buy them something.
Available via Trendhunter
Available from Dancing Arethusa on Etsy
No kid will ever want these, but they'd be perfect for working out tough scenes from your book at your desk. At least that's what you'll have to say when you get caught playing with them. (There's a Star Wars set too.)
Available from Fancie Fannies on Etsy
Price from $18.57
Available from Baxterboo
One for Dexter fans or trainee serial killers. Hand embroidered silk on cotton, this one's pricey but if you like the effect the alternative way to get it is quite gory and I'm not sure how you stop real blood from going a bit rank.
Available from Lost City