Come now, there ain’t a writer alive who would not like to see their literary creations upon the sliver screen. Sure, we’re all aware of the tales of woe, regret and treachery from authors who have actually had the experience. It starts on a high, of course. The book gets optioned, then film rights are sold and then there’s the excitement of being summoned to Hollywood only too look on in horror as his or her masterpiece is dragged into a public toilet to be sodomised and beaten. The loathsome time comes; the author is struck dumb as someone roars “behold the script writer”. A gibbering halfwit is wheeled in, strapped to a gurney, whose previous credits include Charlie’s Angels IV and a Jason Statham pic. Finally, we have the wretched moment when, in place of Deniro (the author had reserved the part of the main protagonist for him since two paragraphs into the first daft) stands Justin Bieber. Yet, still, we crave the chance to go down that well trodden road knowing full well we are likely to be left for dead in an unnamed alley, saturated in someone else’s urine. Yeah, crave I tell you.
Back in the day, when I decided I was going to make a living out of the writing game, and I was surviving on a packet of pork scratchings and a slice of bread a day, I met a young photographer called Kevin Mason. Kevin, who was in a similar state of dereliction, had been reduced to trying to eke out a living photographing naked ladies and, perhaps most humiliating of all, pieces of graffiti. Through sheer talent and hard work it was not long before Kevin was running his own photographic empire; Garage Studios. He was, by then, doing shoots for Dazed and Confused magazine and the like. Sure, he was still photographing naked ladies, but this was probably to satisfy his own dark hungers.
Kevin went from strength-to-strength and, just recently, with the backing of a major investor moved into a fancy new studio, which he designed and built with his own fair and delicate hands. Garage Studios is no more but out of its ashes comes “Create”, the largest dedicated photographic studio in the Southeast (outside that wretched city London of course). At Create Kevin plans to include the moving image as well as photography. He wants to make a short, explosive trailer to showcase the kind of quality work he can produce with the Brighton based talent pool he can draw from. Well you can imagine my reaction when he came to me, in that effeminate way of his, and said that he wanted to use Killer Tease, my first novella, for this
project. . . if not please see the first paragraph.
Now there are some obvious differences, I can imagine you thinking. Number one; no rights have been bought and thus I am not making any money. Well, that takes a significant part of the glory out of it, let’s be honest. Number two: maybe you are thinking that it won’t have the kind of Hollywood production quality one would hope for either? Well, that’s where you’re wrong numbnuts. With Kev’s experience and imagination and his band of extremely talented pals it will do, I guarantee it. OK, it won’t be feature length. Yeah, you got me there. And it won’t be on the silver screen. Ahh, not so fast, bubba. The oldest extant cinema in the UK, The Duke of York in Brighton, will be screening this short with the trailers for their up coming late night showing of Pulp Fiction. Now, if you’re Ken Bruen or some other well –to-do writer who has had their efforts made into a feature film, yeah: laugh it up. If you ain’t, shut up, you know it’s a big deal. Another big difference is that I have full creative control. I’m even being allowed to help choose the actress – who shall remain secret for a bit – to play Eloise Murphy, the protagonist of Killer Tease. I can assure you that the level of control afforded to me has nothing whatsoever to do with my ability to physically overpower Kevin.
We still need funds to help pay for cast, crew and materials including set building, prosthetics and the like. What we’re looking for to complete this project is 2 large (£2,000/$3,161), and this is where I ask you for assistance. Now, wait, before you crap your pants and make sure your wallet has not been lifted from your personage, know that I would never ask you for something for nothing. No way. So here’s a list of things we are going to be giving you for your contribution:
£5 or more: For just £5 you can get a sense of satisfaction from helping others. This may last for several hours. You will also be entitled to a warm handshake from myself or a girlish giggle from Kev, if you should ever meet us.
£10 or more: For £10 you will receive a 6"x 8" print of Eloise Murphy, shot especially for this trailer.
£30 or more: For £30 you will receive a signed 12"x 8" print of Eloise Murphy signed by the actress who plays Eloise (this wont be revealed until after production has wrapped).
£50 or more: For £50 you will receive a signed copy of Killer Tease, as well as a limited edition 12"x 8" signed print of Eloise Murphy, by photographers Matt Martin or Kevin Mason. Please note that each photographer will produce a different print limited to 20 editions.
£75 or more: For £75 we will send you a 12”x 8” signed print of Eloise Murphy, a signed copy of Killer Tease and your name will be placed in the credits on the trailer.
£375 or more: For the ambitious bidder, this price of £375 will net you a 1m x 70cm, C-type print, mounted on Dibond of Eloise Murphy, shot specifically for this reward. The image will be created by Kevin Mason and limited to 10 copies only. Please note, post and packing including to international destinations will be calculated and added after. Overseas bidders have the option of an unmounted, signed print. This is a rare opportunity to buy a limited edition print of this scale from Kevin Mason. When all rewards are met no more of this specific print will be reproduced. This will be a collectors item.
£400 or more: For £400, if you are so strangely inclined, you can have a 3 hour lesson in lighting and photography with Kevin Mason, or a 3 hour chat and guidance about Creative writing with myself.
Now you can’t say fairer than that folks. Click the link and click on “BACK THIS PROJECT” to get involved and for your chance to own one of the many rewards listed above.
Thank you for your time and thank you Jay Stringer for letting me use your Do Some Damage segment to hawk my wares.