Thursday, April 29, 2010

LIVE BLOG: SHERLOCK HOLMES (Will Most Likely Be a LONG post)

Well, since the Yankees are up 5-0, a lot of people are out enjoying Edgar week and I am just plain tired, I thought I'd break out an old Dave White Blog Standard and live blog SHERLOCK HOLMES. So if you have the DVD, fire it up and get ready to DO SOME DAMAGE... I mean WATCHIN'...--Spoilers abound...

(Well it won't be live, because I'm posting it at 3 am EST... but you get the picture.)


7:53: Seven million previews... Release the Kraken, Clint Eastwood rocks... Morgan Freeman is in a lot of movies. Where's the DVD remote?

7:55: DVD remote on the floor. But you can't fast forward through the damn previews anyway... I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS VIDEO GAME!

7:56: As the previews are STILL on, please disregard any typos... I'm doing this stream of consciousness.

7:58: FINALLY STARTING the movie... excuse all the throat clearing...

7:59: When I saw this in the theaters there were a lot of annoying kids around.. Talking, texting, throwing popcorn... I actually have to pay attention this time. So far... lost of running.

8:00: Two minutes into the movie, Holmes just beat the crap out of some guy. That didn't happen in the books. Or Young Sherlock Holmes... Or even the Seven Percent Solution...

8:02: Love that the bad guy doesn't flinch when Holmes stops the ritual suicide. Why not? Wouldn't he attempt to continue the stabbing? OHHHHHHH yeah... the wire.

8:07: Is it me or is Robert Downey's accent not the greatest. Isn't there a wacky, prissy Brit out there that could have played Holmes? Jay Stringer for instance? (DSD insult count? #1)

8:10: Holmes being awkward. Just like Weddle at a Toga party. (DSD insult count: 2).

8:12: I think I might start calling people Old Boy. Holmes is beating the hell out of someone else. We're barely 15 minutes into the movie. Basil Rathbone just rolled over in his grave. Then got his ass kicked by Robert Downey.

8:21: Love the music in this flick, but it does lead to a more goofy feel. Didn't feel the movie was as goofy as it could have been. Watson just called Holmes "Old cock." I retract my goofiness statement.

8:25: At this point in the theater, I was begging for the characters to stop whispering because the teens behind me WOULD. NOT. SHUT. UP. BLEEP BLEEP. Oh great, now the cell phones are going off.

8:28: A farting dog. Apparently they are now determined to continually rebuke my idea this movie wasn't goofy.

8:32: Now Irene Adler beats the crap out of somebody. And it ain't Basil Rathbone. Everyone's a kung fu artist in this movie.

8:42: The psychic scene is about as unfunny, boring and useless as a Bryon Q post (DSD insult count #3!!).

8:47: Hey, it's been 20 minutes since our last brawl... so let's bring in a HUGE French guy and some banjo music. And of course a chase for an engagement ring. They're ripping off SPIDER-MAN 3.

8:51: And because this action scene isn't ridiculous enough, let's bring in a HUGE collapsing boat. (Seriously, I like this movie, I think it's a lot of fun, but come on now. Is the boat necessary?)

8:56: I want a cape and hood. (Kind of like how Russel MAC wants a Bouchercon morning that didn't involve vomiting on unpublished writers--DSD INSULT COUNT # 4).

9:04: Drink that wine was a bad decision. (Much like Joelle Charbonneau's decision to keep wearing ice skates on pavement--DSD INSULT COUNT #5.)

9:05: Holmes is tied naked to a bed. Embarrassing. (Ask Scott Parker, he knows... Circa 1983. Always talks about it in the DSD breakroom. DSD Insult #6.)

9:06: Shimmy, shimmy.

9:11: The bad guy in this movie reminds me of Andy Garcia. John McFet reminds me of Jimmy Neutron. (DSD Insult #7!!!0--yeah, that one was random.)

9:17: Way more CGI than there should be in this movie. Stringer once said the same thing about Weddle's hair! (#8)

9:18: "All that's missing is a Ginger Midget." Yep, you guessed it. Weddle's reply to Stringer. (#9)

9:20: In the most contrived cliffhanger of the movie, Irene Adler follows Holmes only to be used as a pawn in the bad guy's evil game. Unnecessary action sequence that takes WAY TOO LONG.

9:23: Stuff blows up.

9:27: LOVE the scene where Holmes is alone in the room with only a violin trying to figure it all out. It is very understated, but maybe the best scene in the entire film.

9:33: Look kids! Big Be

9:35: Smoke screen trick would be cool if I hadn't seen MacGyver do it 20 years ago. Speaking of MacGyver, he and Russel share the same mullet. (#10)

9:37: Just realized the bad guy's name is Blackwood. Yes, I giggled.

9:40: Yep, we've gone 48 seconds without a kung fu fight. About as long as Bryon Q's gone without referencing the first chapter of LUNCHBOX HERO (#11)! Oh, and Andy Garcia is back on screen.

9:42: When did John Watson become John Steed?

9:46: Why are they chasing each other through and Escher painting? Also, I'm shocked the London Bridge construction site came into play in the climax. SHOCKED I tell you.

9:51: Sherlock Explains It All

9:56: It's Moriarty? STUNNING! And that's the END.


John McFetridge said...

Okay, now I really want to see that movie.

Russel said...

Hey, my vomit clearly brings luck to those who are touched by it. Ask Chercover if you ain't convinced (but I fully admit I do skirt dangerously close to mullet on occasion - but have so far never crossed the line)

Dave White said...

The realization that I'm about to head into NYC makes me think I should have written a post about the Edgars. I am one savvy blogger.