Saturday, December 26, 2009

SECRET SANTA: My Fool-Proof Plan for World Domination

[The following is a transcript from a meeting of The League of Extra Evil Gentlemen (and a Few Ladies), the honorable and malicious Professor Leopold Strake, presiding.]

Strake: It comes down to magic. Or, rather, the belief in magic. As you know, when a magician has three cups and a ball under one, his hands move so fast you can’t keep up. Thus, when he asks you to pick the cup you think the ball is under, you’re basically just guessing. The same thing applies when he makes the quarter “disappear” from one of his hands while, in the next instant, he “pulls” the coin from your left ear. You’re so busy being impressed that you may not have realized he picked your pocket.

That’s what I’m going for. The Magic of Distraction. My fool-proof plan for world domination will have lots of distractions. Better to keep the attention of Those Who Would Thwart Me off me and onto their own, inane wants and desires.

First, I’ll invent a device. On this device, you can download any type of music, video game, movie, TV show, or, adult entertainment you want. [Dick Norton, munitions expert, sniggers.] People will be able to carry around gigs and gigs of mindless distractions that will fixate them on only things they want. You see, there will be no external speaker on this device. You have to have headphones in order to separate each person from the person next to them. Thus, people will go the entire day in complete isolation, not even caring if they bump into other people.

Louisa Strake [raising her hand]: Honey, can I...

Leopold Strake [covering the microphone]: I told you not to call me that in front of the League.

Louisa: I’m sorry. But the device you want to invent is already out there. It’s called an iPod.

Leopold [looking confused]: Are you sure?

Louisa [nods].

Leopold [scanning the room. Sees every head nod in agreement.]

Leopold [clears throat]: No matter. We will co-opt this iPod for our own agenda. The other part of my fool-proof plan for world domination involves the unlimited availability of Stuff.

Roger Deacon, electronics genius: Stuff, sir?

Leopold [points finger at Deacon]: Yes, stuff. The modern human, especially those in North America, need to be conditioned to a state in which nothing is inconvenient. We need to convince builders to construct drug stores on every corner, huge department stores within a mile of each other, coffee shops in the parking lots of coffee shops, and fast-food chains all over the place like acne on my teenager’s face.

[All heads turn to Lenny Strake. He takes no notice since he’s playing a game, with headphones, on an iPod.]

We will start a campaign to convince the American public (and others around the world) that the only way to true happiness is to buy things. Then, when they’ve over-extended themselves, we, as the League, will step in and rescue them, offering them hope when, in reality, we’ll be tightening our grip on the world.

Louisa [raising her hand]: Leopold, dear, that state already exists in the world.

Leopold [looking confused]: Are you sure?

Louisa [nods].

Leopold [scanning the room. Sees every head nod in agreement.]

Leopold [looks at the sheet of paper in front of him.] Mindless, “reality” entertainment on television?

Louisa [nods].

Leopold [scanning the room. Sees every head nod in agreement.]

Leopold: Overpriced medicine?

Louisa [nods].

Leopold [scanning the room. Sees every head nod in agreement.]

Leopold: Overpaid athletes and entertainment stars who think they’re entitled to do anything they want, reported on by various media establishments, all designed to distract the public’s collective attention?

Louisa [nods, smiling].

Leopold [scanning the room. Sees every head nod in agreement. A few fellow Leaguers don’t make eye contact.]

Leopold [reads the entire list, his eyes dart back and forth. Angrily, he crumples up the paper and throws it in the trash can.] Who is the person who orchestrated this most ingenious plan for world domination? It’s fool-proof! I want to know right now! [He stands motionless, his finger aimed at the entire panel of evil men and women.]

Louisa [rises, pats Leopold’s hand] It’s okay, dear. I’ll still let you rule the Bahamas.

[end transcript]

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