The Urgency of Now and Knowing Who You Are

By Scott D. Parker

Well, by my own definition, I’m officially in my mid-fifties.

For any given decade, I consider the years ending in zero through three to be “early.” Four, five, and six are “mid” while the last three years are “late.” I turned fifty-four on Tuesday.

You might think that would be cause for a great, big sigh. Sure, there’s a little of that as well as the realization that there are more years behind me than in front of me. That, my friends, is just a sign of mortality.

But here’s the giant cherry on top of this sundae we call life: I’m alive! So it is always good to recognize and respect and cherish that simple fact.

And yet, as I took stock of what I had accomplished and all that happened in my fifty-third year, I started to wonder what I would do in my fifty-fourth. It was the latter thought that gave me a sense of urgency.

Marcus Aurelius, the Roman emperor who was also a Stoic, wrote the following opening paragraphs in Book 5 (or should it be V?) of his Meditations (as translated by Gregory Hayes):

At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: “I am rising to do the work of a human being. What do I have to complain about, if I’m going to do what I was born for—the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?”

—But it’s nicer here…

So were you born to feel “nice”? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands?

Much of that passage reflects on what it is like to be a human. Heck, I’ll be honest and say that the spirit of these words permeate my brain when the alarm goes off at 5am and I need to get up and get to writing. Usually, but not always, they are enough and I get up.

When it comes to the writing side of things, re-imagine that same passage but substitute “Writer” for “human being”:

At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: “I am rising to do the work of a Writer. What do I have to complain about, if I’m going to do what I was born for—the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?”

—But it’s nicer here…

So were you born to feel “nice”? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a Writer? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands?

My fiction self fell apart in 2022 and I’m largely (partially?) to blame. That’s what I wrote about last week. I mostly shrugged it off, chalking things up to life experiences (my son moved out of the house), the day job (the most creative day job I’ve ever had), and a willingness to consume stories rather than produce them.

But I turned fifty-four this week. I’m in my mid-fifties now. Time is not infinite, so why the heck am I not writing more? Because when I boil myself down to my essence and set aside the crucial qualities of being a husband and father and child of God, what am I?

A Writer.

I go to concerts and take notes. Ditto for author events. I keep a notepad in the car so I can jot down ideas and notes during my commutes. When I read books at home—including fiction—I take notes. When I take trips, I make sure I have pen and paper. When I go to conventions, I take notes on what I see and what I want to buy. I am always writing.

Why? Because that’s who I am. And now, at fifty-four, there is a sense of urgency spurred from Aurelius’s quote (with my modification): “And you’re not willing to do your job as a Writer? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands?”

Okay, okay, okay. I get it, Marcus, I get it. I am who I am. I’ll strive harder to be more myself from now on.

All of this begs the question for you, dear reader: do you know who you are? And are you doing it?

A Quiz

Today, a one-question quiz.  There's no grade involved, though, no right or wrong answer per se.

In Zadie Smith's essay collection Feel Free, which I've been reading on and off for months, there's a section made up of Harper's book reviews she's done.  One is a review of a novel called Seven Years by a Swiss writer named Peter Stamm.  

I never heard of Seven Years or read it, though after reading Zadie Smith's review I'm curious to read it. Smith describes the plot and the characters and talks about how the book is largely a critique of feminism, specifically first-wave feminism.  She says "Seven Years feels to me like a Catholic novel, an intriguing addition to a tradition that includes The Power and the Glory, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, and the lesser-known An Experiment in Love by Hilary Mantel (which is also about the failures of first-wave feminism...)".  As I say, I've never read Seven Years, and I'm mentioning all this to give you an idea of what the book is about.  It sounds interesting enough.  But it's what Smith says to wrap up the review that truly got me thinking.  She says she made a note in the book's margin on the last page, then couldn't believe what she'd written.  That's because the author had made her ask a question about something she normally doesn't question.  And she concludes by saying this:

"Seven Years is a novel to make you doubt your own dogma.  What more can a novel do than that?"

After reading this, I thought: she's absolutely right.  A novel can't be much more effective or involving than one that makes you look at things, even if only for a few moments, through a perspective entirely different, or even opposed to, your usual one.  So my question is, what novel has done this for you, if any?  

I'd say for me a novel that does this is Evelyn Waugh's Brideshead Revisited.  A family of wealthy English Catholics with a palatial estate, politically reactionary, that stands proudly against the working class and any notions of egalitarianism, in which a non-religious person at the end of the book appears to convert to a believer -- there's almost nothing in this book, in the world outside the book, I ascribe to or believe in.  And yet by the end, in the hands of the brilliant Waugh, I may actually have, for a stretch of time, doubted some of my own dogmas. Without question, as Smith says, quite an accomplishment for a novel.

Any novels that have done this for you?

True Crime Documentaries

True crime documentaries have been around for a long time. Only now, with the popularity of streaming, do the films and the filmmakers truly get their due. Documentaries can be powerful tools of truth or catalysts for our inspiration. Below, I look at a few of the documentaries that have left the greatest impact.


The Central Park Five

In 1989 Trisha Meili was assaulted and raped while jogging in New York City’s Central Park. The city was soon gripped by fear and panic. There was a drive for justice to be served whether it was based on lies or not and a sense of mob mentality took over. Eventually five Black and Latino teenagers were convicted of the brutal crime, even though they and their families protested their innocence. In 2022 the charges against the men were dropped due to DNA samples. The film features interviews with the men who spent six to thirteen years of their lives in jail for a crime they did not commit and explores the racism and corruption within the NYC justice system.


Cropsey

Cropsey explores true crime and the urban legend phenomenon by bringing together a Staten Island modern myth and the disturbing, true-life story of convicted child kidnapper Andre Rand. Rand is serving twenty-five years for his crimes, with opportunity for parole in 2037. The true horror of his crimes mixed with unsettling backdrops, an abandoned mental hospital and actual crime scenes from the case, make this a haunting tale. This creepy documentary relies on traditional documentary formatting, yet at times displays shades of horror when using found-footage elements and the tale of the urban legend which many believe Rand inspired.



The Thin Blue Line

In 1976 Dallas police officer Robert R. Wood was murdered during a traffic stop. Though two men were connected to the shooting only Randall Dale Adams was eventually arrested for the murder and sent to death row, though he repeated his innocence. The film is as much a criminal investigation as it is an example of fiction morphing truth. The director’s research and Interviews within the film with the other person of interest led to a surprise confession and the eventual release of Adams. One of the first documentaries that landed in my memory The Thin Blue Line is very much like a Hollywood movie. Like The Central Park Five, this film explores the dark side of our justice system. Indeed, The Thin Blue Line motivated local law enforcers and the courts to re-examine the information, clues, case files and failings.



The Iceman Tapes: Conversations with a Killer

Richard Kuklinski was a devoted husband, loving father, all while living a secret life as the brutal killer of over 100 people. The Iceman Tapes: Conversations with a Killer takes place inside Trenton State Prison where we meet Kuklinski and begin a series of chilling interviews. Now dead, he was, at the time, serving two life sentences for his crimes, Richard Kuklinski calmly tells of his early childhood, his family life, and, of course, his many horrible murders. The interview with Kuklinski is one of the most chilling moments set to film.



Mommy Dead and Dearest

Gypsy Rose Blanchard was the victim of abuse caused by the condition Munchausen by Proxy, whereby a guardian lies, inflates or causes illness or injury in their child for attention and sympathy. Gypsy Rose was forced into dozens of unnecessary surgeries and spent most of her life in a wheelchair, while her mother benefitted from the kindness of others. When Gypsy develops a relationship with a young man, they soon hatch a plan. It’s not until Dee Dee is murdered that the horrible treatment of Gypsy Rose comes to light.