Friday, July 29, 2016

Facing Fears

I hate live reading.

Don't get me wrong, I love it when I am asked to read, and I love sharing work with a crowd, but it scares the shit out of me every time. There's the figuring out what to read, which is troublesome because the common advice is to read something "funny" but I've never been confident in comedy. There's the public speaking, which I normally don't mind, but reading fiction feels so different. Not to mention, I'm usually reading alongside writers I admire and respect, and the thought of blowing it makes me sick.

I've never gone up to read and walked away feeling like I blew it. In fact, I usually feel like I killed it.

I also hate being on video. I got used to hearing my own voice after over two years of doing Books and Booze and spending every Thursday listening to myself talk while editing the recordings, but being on video is a whole different animal. You ever see a really unflattering photo of yourself and cringe? That's how I always feel about watching myself on video (funny, I used to want to be an actress).

This is not to say I hate being seen - I'm a dyed in the wool extrovert and I love being around other people, talking to them, all of that. But reading fiction in front of them? Being on a video that anyone can watch?

No fucking thank you.

I tell you all that to tell you this - I do both of those things, anyway. I can't seem to hate the result, even if all the time building up makes me feel sick.

I just did a great reading at Beast Crawl, with SWILL. I mentioned before - the line up was incredible! David Corbett, our own Holly West, Sean Craven, and Rob Pierce. Everyone read great stuff, and I walked away thinking I killed it. You can check the video at the end and see for yourself.

As for being on video - this one's dark so it's fine. But I'm also doing weekly videos for the Patreon Supporters of Dirge Magazine at least once a week, and the crux is - I have to look at my own fucking face for the entire time I'm doing the video. Practically hell on Earth - watching myself on video as it's being recorded.

But hey! We only get one life and who wants to waste time being afraid of little things?

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